Distance doesn't matter. It is only the first step that is difficult.

Marquise de Deffand

How do you work out disputes with the other party? Your past history of dealing with problems can tell you whether you are likely to resolve present difficulties. If you believe that it is worth trying, here are some guidelines to help you.

• When you have a problem, try to work it out as soon as you can.

• Try not to overreact.

• Do not use third parties such as your children as go-betweens or as messengers.

• Try setting a telephone appointment time when there are few distractions.

• Explain your concerns and give your proposal for a solution. Listen to the other person's response. Use "I" statements and focus on the positive.

• Try not to blame or accuse.

• If the phone call is getting out of control, politely end the conversation and suggest you talk another day.

• If you don't resolve the issue the first time but are making progress, set up another telephone appointment to continue the process.

• If you feel safe, arrange to meet at a public place such as a coffee shop to discuss issues.

• Set ground rules in advance, especially on how to end the discussion if either of you feels threatened or if things are getting out of control.

• If you need more information or advice at any time during the process, call a halt to the discussion and reschedule it for another date.

• If you reach agreement, confirm it briefly in writing to avoid later misunderstandings.

• If you cannot work out an agreement consider mediation